Wednesday, 8 February 2017

Cry…let the hero take a seat!

Mr. Achilles and my heel!

I had to see a new doctor today for an evaluation. I’m just so tired of having to rehash  November, 2014. I’d like to forget it. Every time I think I’ve crossed that bridge, someone asks that innocent question – so tell me what happened?

Yes, big girls cry. Big men cry to. Crying children get lots of cuddles and support. Us, big folks, we try to go undercover, with the sunshades, or silly excuses.  Sometimes we get a cuddle, or that look that says, “grow some balls, you’re too big to still cry.” Avoidance may not be the solution but I’m not sure rehashing the past over and over makes any sense . Hmm, but why the tears, I wonder.
I like being considered strong, fierce, and kickass capable of fixing anything. How do you move from the flying hero zone to the flipside of a small sentence. Whatever happened to my resilience, bouncing back, more than a cat with nine lives. Hmm, I’m guessing  Mr. Achilles found my heel and took great pleasure making me sit.

Having discovered that pride is lost when one is injured and recovering, I’ve found patience with myself is in short supply, and maybe it always was. My sister describes me as capable, and always able to fix anything. Her thoughts are shared by most folks I’ve interacted with throughout my lifetime to date. I’m simply trying to fix me, and yes, patience has also asked me to sit next to the hero.

This time spent on the recovery journey has unearthed emotions which I preferred not to acknowledge. I never thought much about courage, kindness, faith, fear, grace to name a few. Believing anything was possible, and making it happen was my mantra. I can help my family, my children, and maybe even have a positive impact on those around me if I excelled. I’m beginning to realize maybe there was a lot of ‘Eros holding the world’ from Greek mythology  in my ego.

The Doctor’s office

As the tears rushed, I tried to contain them, but they could not hide. I tried a bravado excuse of a response, with a hasty rush of words proclaiming I’m doing well. Did not seem like the good specialist was buying what I wanted to sell. Any thoughts of a rejuvenated sales like approach failed fast as he did the mobility and other range exercises. Very sorry to say, my body refused to fulfill my bluffing abilities. I was left with the reality, and thankfully he did not look at me with pity.

Home at the computer

I’m okay. Really, I just wish to become so strong  Mr Achilles cannot have the power to make me sit. Sounds vain. I’m imperfect. I still want to make those ninja moves and put on my best suited armor. I will get there. Physical, mental and overall health are my priorities  for me. Its no fun being benched, but I’m using it to be a better improved me.

Maybe this should’ve been called feedback to self, but Mr. Achilles  Heel made me sit!
(*These are thoughts written Feb, 2017)

The decision to share this was not automatic, but I think its necessary for everyone to know its okay to have vulnerable times. Its important to understand who we are. Our strengths and weaknesses give us the balance to feel on our life’s journey. None are perfect, but we should try to be our best for ourselves. Sitting still has been a major accomplishment for me. There is great strength to tap into when we leave the world to rest and recover.

I hope my sharing has in some way resonated with you, and your own life journey. Thank you for reading and sharing.

D-wordslayer

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