The inheritence

 I grew up idolising my father. He was from a ‘good’ family, and went to another land to make a fortune to provide for us in the future. 

As the years passed, he became a person I created, resembling a movie hero, bigger than reality. I believed he loved my siblings and I, and one day we would be reunited. Maybe at some point he would make up for the hardship endured by his absence and the strain placed on my mother, our sole parent. It never came.

I became a mother, wanting to give all my children the father I thought I was denied. The relationship with their dad and broken promises, were on me, because of me, and in a way I idolised him. He was like my father, from a ‘good family’, and tried to ensure he was there for his children with me - including the one before mine were born. 

Even if I was not worthy of promises to be kept, I prayed he would honour all his children. My children loved him, including their brother from another mother. The promises were left standing in the present.

I became a grandmother, and somehow was lost in waiting for an inheritance to survive to the next generation. My eyes are opening now, much more than half a century later. What is the legacy for the one before and those from my womb? 

Worthy or not life goes on. 

Another generation comes from a different heart, more worthy to receive. 

As the present holds and hounds my innocent memories, there is understanding. All promises made are not to be kept - unless it's from God. It will not matter how good or understanding, kindness does not have a place in the heart of man, unless one is worthy of their space and grace. 

I think about the present and the fruitlessness of my failure to place my children first. Living in hope that honour would come, and legacy could be earned. It is not, and I cannot change the acceptance of choices of others. I cannot fix, create, or make the past fair for myself or my children. What I can do is move on, without bitterness or lingering hope. God answers all prayers, but some answers are beyond my comprehension. 

The inheritance received from my father is just a memory of a man who chose to leave his legacy to only one he thought was worthy. My children and their older brother receive the same as myself from their father, their 3 younger siblings are worthy. 

My children and grandchildren are worthy, and they will all share in my legacy, I pray. 

As I process the present, it's okay. I’m responsible for my choices. 

Big lessons learnt from my life. It does not matter how much someone has, or the promises shared as they grow their wealth - it is theirs to share. Promises are just statements that mean nothing, even time  or circumstances cannot change that. 

The riches on earth will remain on earth and the soul leaves nothing behind except the love of the one that loved you enough because you are worthy.